


Dragons Without Dreams

by bakerblake



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Orphanage, Orphans, also i talk about bellamys freckles a lot because obviously, clarke draws and bellamy writes poems, some poetry, they both love books and reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 04:45:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7670635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakerblake/pseuds/bakerblake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke really likes Bellamy. Her favourite part of him is his heart. And freckles. Especially his freckles. When she sees his freckles she thinks of a waterfall that streams over the boy's shoulders. She thinks of stars, constellations that draw the sky.</p><p>Bellamy really, really likes Clarke. He likes her long wavy Rapunzel hair and the way she grins whenever they decide to play a prank on Mister Kane. He likes her sharp mind and the way she takes his hand when she's excited. Bellamy likes seeing Clarke happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dragons Without Dreams

Clarke sits on her tiny bed and reads. She's only 8-years-old but has already read more books than anyone else in the orphanage, of that she's sure.

She devours stories like she's starving, devours books like they are the only edible things in the room. Clarke eats fairytales and is always hungry for more. Through words she gets to travel, in those few moments she gets out of the dull orphanage where she's been her whole life. Reading offers her an escape, it's an opportunity for adventure.

Plus, the employees of the orphanage seem pleased when she keeps her mouth shut. Everyone wins: Clarke isn't scheming anything or picking fights, and the employees aren't scolding her.

Clarke's visiting her favourite fictional friend, Blade, and they are just about to kick the evil pirate captain's ass. Clarke has read the book enough times to know that Blade will win easily and get the treasure back.

”When the girl's long golden hair got stuck in a tree, she cried: O _h, poor me! How I wish I wasn't cursed!_ ”

Suddenly Clarke is not in the middle of a sword fight anymore but back at the orphanage. Blade disappears. There's no treasure. The colours of the room are gray and brown and dirty yellow and she hates that someone's loud voice interrupted her reading.

Clarke turns her head and narrows her eyes in anger.

” _Did I hear right? The prince isn't coming, the prince isn't coming!_ said the princess and cut her beautiful hair.”

9-year-old Bellamy Blake and his 4-year-old little sister Octavia have only been in the orphanage for a month. Clarke knows that they don't have any friends because Bellamy purposely scares everyone away.

Overall Bellamy Blake really is a very scary 9-year-old. He's taller than most and looks angry all the time. He's not nice to anyone and he doesn't behave well. Rumour has it that he has already started at least three fights within his first month. The employees of the orphanage seem to dislike him almost as much as they dislike Clarke.

Clarke has never even tried to talk to either of the siblings. All the other kids stay away from Bellamy Blake, but Clarke is rarely afraid of anything. She wants to read without anyone distracting her and has decided to tell Bellamy Blake to keep his mouth shut, even if it's the last thing she ever does.

She walks to the other side of the room where Bellamy's bed is, puts her small hands on her hips and stares at the siblings. She glances at the book resting on Octavia's lap.

The girl looks up, but Bellamy pretends like Clarke isn't right there in front of him, staring at him with all the rage of an 8-year-old. He keeps reading. Little Octavia looks confused.

” _Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair._ ”

Clarke clears her throat rather loudly, mimicking Mister Kane, who owns the orphanage, and finally Bellamy stops mid-sentence. He doesn't bother raising his head, just moves his eyes up from the book to glare at her. Clarke can tell he's extremely annoyed.

”What do you want?”

Clarke studies the boy's dark brown eyes. She finds something in them that she didn't expect to find. She finds fire. The kind of fire she likes, fire for adventure. There's something about the fierce look on Bellamy Blake's face that makes her want to take his hand and run straight ahead into danger. She's sure the two of them could take on ten pirate captains at once.

Clarke's taken aback by her own thoughts. For a moment, she just stares back at him, her mouth slightly open.

”What... what are you reading?” she asks then, trying to stay calm and ignore the urge to run away with him. Her earlier need for silence is gone.

”Rapunzel!” tells Octavia and raises her hand excitedly.

Clarke holds her head high. ”I've read that book thousands of times already”, she announces proudly.

”Liar”, Bellamy spits out of his mouth.

Clarke can tell Bellamy doesn't like her, he's not trying to hide it. She doesn't take it personally. Clarke is quite sure Bellamy hates everyone. Still, she feels an annoying pang of disappointment. The boy doesn't seem to share her strange thirst for the possible adventures they could have. 'The dangerous quest of Clarke and Bellamy' would surely make a great book.

But because they are not friends and because Bellamy Blake definitely isn't the only one stubborn in the room, Clarke crosses her arms over her chest and snorts. ”Are you saying you've read more books than I have? Hah, you're so wrong.”

She watches as Bellamy's jaw clenches, lips tightly pursed. His face turns red. Clarke smirks.

”Yeah, I am”, Bellamy says and comes to stand in front of her as if to remind that he's taller and bigger and scarier and that she should back off.

Clarke doesn't even flinch.

”I've read more books than you have”, Bellamy declares. ”I'm also a quicker reader than you.”

Clarke narrows her eyes. He doesn't know he's digging his own grave.

Bellamy's adventure eyes are in flames, but Clarke only lets out a short, dry laugh at his words. Then she walks up to her pile of books and pulls out one of them randomly.

 _Dreams And Dragons._ It's perfect because she's never read it before.

She hands the book to Bellamy. ”Okay”, she says and nods. ”Let's see which one of us is faster. The one who finishes this book first, wins.”

If Bellamy is surprised by the challenge he doesn't show it. He touches the cover of the book, softly running his fingers across the dragon's golden tail. Clarke watches how gently the boy handles the book, how he seems to cherish it. Then, with a very serious look on his face, Bellamy nods and they shake hands.

”Fine”, he says and pouts. ”But next time I get to choose which book we're reading.”

”Deal.” To stop herself from smiling, Clarke bites her lip. ”Time starts now.”

 

As strange as it may sound, from that point on they were friends.

 

Even stranger is that, after Clarke wins the bet, they become inseparable.

 

***

 

Clarke really likes Bellamy. Her favourite part of him is his heart. And freckles. Especially his freckles. When she sees them she thinks of a waterfall that streams over the boy's shoulders. She thinks of stars, constellations that draw the sky. Mister Kane once said she was ridiculous for trying to identify the patterns on Bellamy's skin.

Clarke loves Bellamy's freckles because they are pretty, because they are Bellamy's, because the constellations are a masterpiece. She wishes she had freckles, too, but doubts the dark dots would look as good on her skin as they do on Bellamy's.

Most of Clarke's sketchbooks are filled with drawings of her best friend's face. She loves small details. Clarke has dedicated a bunch of pages only to the scar above his upper lip and she won't give up until the messy curls she doodles on the paper look exactly like her model's. Bellamy asks her why she keeps drawing him. Her answer is because he's beautiful.

”What do you think? Do you like it?” Clarke asks the first time she shows him a picture she drew of him, her heart beating with so much excitement that she can't stay still. She swears she sees Bellamy's eyes sparkle for real when he takes the piece of paper in his hands. He doesn't say a word, just vigorously nods his head.

Clarke smiles widely.

 

Bellamy really, _really_ likes Clarke. He likes her long wavy Rapunzel hair and the way she grins whenever they decide to play a prank on Mister Kane. He likes her sharp mind and the way she takes his hand when she's excited. Bellamy likes seeing Clarke happy.

He says none of this out loud, just hopes Clarke understands him without words. He's quite sure she knows, her smug smile tells him more than her words ever could.

Bellamy has noticed that he loves writing almost as much as he loves his sister, Clarke and his books. Most of the time he just writes short poems about Clarke in his notebook but he's very proud of himself anyway. Naturally, he shows Clarke most of his poems, and Clarke genuinely likes the way he uses words. They are too young to say for sure whether Bellamy's writings are _actually_ good or if his big words only sound cool to ten-year-olds. Still, Clarke praises his writing skills the same way she praises his freckled face.

”You have a nice heart”, she tells him one day when he's holding her hand, refusing to let go.

Earlier, Clarke had encouraged one particularly adventurous child (Jasper Jordan, obviously) to jump out the bedroom window. The building isn't even that high. Mister Kane caught them before Jasper could actually do it. Kane was furious. In anger, he told Clarke that she was never going to get adopted. Bellamy has been holding her hand ever since those cruel words left the man's lips.

”I do?” Bellamy's smile is wide, his hold on Clarke's hand tightens. He's not going to let go until she cheers up.

”Yeah.”

Her words sound so beautiful to him that he even starts one of his poems with that sentence. Suddenly Bellamy realizes that this is something special, the way Clarke and him fit together. Their friendship might not be rare, but special nonetheless.

_You have a nice heart._

 

Clarke learns that the Blakes ended up in the orphanage after their mother died of lung cancer. She had been smoking her whole life and that's why death had decided to come knocking very early. Bellamy predicts he and Octavia will stay in the orphanage for a long time because not many want to adopt more than one child at a time, and the Blakes have no intention of leaving each other behind. One time Octavia even bit a woman who was ready to adopt her but not her brother. Needless to say, the woman thought she was insane and asked to meet another child. Clarke and Bellamy just giggled together in secret and told Octavia that they were proud of her.

Clarke tells Bellamy that she's been in the orphanage her whole life basically. No memories of her parent or parents, she can't recall anything before the orphanage. Clarke tells him that she's tired of rotting there and that she's ready to get out.

So, they make a plan: they promise to save up enough money to buy a small apartment once Bellamy turns 18. Clarke is ten and Bellamy is eleven and they think the plan is perfect. They hide from Kane in a closet and discuss the things they want to buy once they have their own place. Octavia wants a Playstation console. Bellamy is going to buy a bookshelf that he can fill with as many books as he wants. All Clarke really wants is Bellamy but she can't tell them that so, instead, she says that she wants a polaroid camera. It's not a lie. Clarke wants Bellamy _and_ a polaroid camera, to capture his beauty the way her drawings can't.

(And to be honest, she feels like she already has Bellamy.)

Octavia couldn't care less about reading, but Clarke and Bellamy have lost count how many times they've read _Dreams And Dragons._ It was the start of their friendship, they both know the book by heart. The story is pretty cool. There are talking dragons with big dream, sword fights and a never-ending battle between light and darkness.

Bellamy nicknames Clarke 'Rapunzel the Dragon' which sounds absolutely horrible. Clarke can't help but grimace every time Bellamy uses it. Clarke names the Blakes 'Dream#1' and 'Dream#2' which is equally dumb so they're even.

Soon enough Clarke realizes that she's no longer in a hurry to get away from the orphanage.

They are happy.

 

Then something happens. Something that Bellamy and Octavia wanted from the start. Someone is willing to adopt them both.

 

***

 

Clarke doesn't cry. She doesn't cry simply because she never cries. Still, she's having trouble breathing. She feels like she's suffocating.

Clarke wouldn't want to be selfish. Bellamy is 12 and Octavia is 7 and _at last_ there's someone who wants to give them a proper home. A real family.

Clarke closes her eyes tightly. Her head hurts.

Bellamy and Octavia will soon get a new home. The house will be big and gorgeous and they won't have to sleep in the same room anymore. They'll get to eat whatever they want, whenever they want, as much as they want. Bellamy will write hundreds of beautiful poems and finally get his huge bookshelf.

Clarke's bitter. _She_ wanted to be the one to buy Bellamy that bookshelf.

She knows she should be happy for them but she has to force herself to smile when Octavia tells her about the married couple they met a few hours ago. Bellamy is unusually quiet. There's a shadow on Octavia's face, too. Clarke knows they notice her sadness. All three are thinking about the same thing: Clarke will be alone.

 _What is the dragon without the dreams?_ Bellamy writes in his notebook later that night. Then he writes his 30 th poem about Clarke's pretty hair.

The owner of the orphanage is thrilled to get rid of Bellamy Blake. He's happy to send the rebel away, to have one less troublemaker in the orphanage. Clarke rolls her eyes every time she sees him smile. She does her best to ignore the mighty need to punch him in the face.

The Blakes meet their future parents for the second time. Clarke sees the couple come in with big smiles on their faces, looking more than thrilled. Mister Kane leads the Blakes to a small room to discuss the adoption in detail.

Clarke sits on the floor in front of the door and reads _Dreams And Dragons_. She's afraid the couple will take their new children away from her immediately after they come out of the room. She's afraid she will never see her best friends again if she doesn't sit right here waiting.

It doesn't take long until Clarke hears a scream from inside the room. She finally looks up from the book when she hears Bellamy's voice. He seems to be yelling, too. Clarke closes her book and leans against the door, trying to figure out what's going on. More angry yelling.

An hour later she finds out that Octavia had spit in the woman's face. She finds out that Bellamy had let out all the swear words he knows.

The Blakes are going nowhere.

They chose Clarke. They chose family.

 

And still it ends this way.

 

***

 

There's a man and woman in the room with Clarke. Both adults are dressed in expensive looking suits and the woman's wrists are decorated with multiple shiny bracelets, her ears with diamonds. Dragons would surely love the diamonds, but Bellamy feels sick looking at them. He hates the bracelets with all his soul. He is no dragon.

Mister Kane tells him to wait outside. Bellamy doesn't move, just glares at the man. He's sure that if the orphanage existed inside a story book, Kane would be one of the bad guys. No matter what is happening right now, Bellamy wants to be there for Clarke.

”Don't make me carry you out of here, Bellamy”, Mister Kane warns him.

As everyone waits for Bellamy to leave, his and Clarke's eyes meet. She musters a smile, silently reassuring him, and finally Bellamy steps out quietly. Kane closes the door and for a few moments, Bellamy just stares at it.

It's very early. Octavia is still sleeping.

 _Thank you for always being by my side no matter how hard it sometimes gets. I promise to always smile :) because of you. -Clarke_ is what she had written to express her gratitude to Bellamy and Octavia after the siblings had decided to stay in the orphanage with her. Bellamy believes Clarke will choose him, just like he and Octavia chose her two years ago.

Everything happens so quickly.

A week later Bellamy is chasing a black limousine. A limousine that's carrying Clarke and her things in it, carrying her further and further away from his life.

Breathing becomes hard. His legs hurt. Bellamy trips over a rock and hisses in pain when his knee hits the asphalt. He wants to see Clarke's golden hair one last time, but it's too late. The car disappears out of sight.

Bellamy feels betrayed. He has never felt this foolish.

”They took her away”, 9-year-old Octavia sobs. ”How could she let them take her away? How could she, how could she...”

Bellamy has a hard time holding back his tears. Before he came to the orphanage and met Clarke, he thought he'd be fine as long as he could breathe, as long as he had his sister by his side. Tonight, he's choking on his misery.

The only thing he has left of Clarke is the small golden book she didn't bother taking with her.

 

***

 

There are days when Clarke wishes she hadn't made the choice to stay quiet and let her new parents adopt her. There are days when she regrets that she turned her back on her hopes and... dreams. She misses the Blakes, terribly. Leaving Bellamy behind was painful, but she didn't really have a choice.

Clarke often tells herself that Bellamy and Octavia are doing just fine. They are all better off this way. Now that Clarke isn't in their way anymore, some lovely couple is going to find them and adopt them and love them and one day the three of them will meet again and they'll all be happy.

Clarke's new life really isn't that bad, to be honest. She likes having a last name. It's something she never had before Abby and Jake Griffin adopted her. Her new parents are rich, she has her own room, she can buy anything she wants. Some nights she dances around her room and sings Part of Your World.

”Looking around here you think... sure, she's got everything...”

Everything, except a polaroid camera. Clarke knows it's dumb but she still kind of wishes Bellamy would buy her that camera, just like she wants to buy him the huge bookshelf. Now she finally has the money to make his dreams come true, make him happy.

Clarke lives the next 10 years of her life spending money and eating at expensive restaurants. The only thing her parents ask for in return is that she studies extra hard and becomes successful later in life. They want her to become a doctor. Clarke is very smart indeed, but also very artistic. Abby and Jake are 100% ok with their daughter's drawing hobby – as long as it stays as a hobby.

So far Clarke owns six different editions of _Dreams And Dragons_. She intends to buy all of them and one day give the books as a present to Bellamy Blake. One day she will share her fortune with him.

 _I'm doing this for Bellamy_ , she tells herself. _Or am I?_

 

Clarke's sketchbooks are still filled with Bellamy. There are freckles all over the pages.

As time passes, the memory of the boy gets a little foggy. His face looks messy. Clarke would give up all her fancy things and fashionable clothes just to have the real Bellamy sit in front of her with his eyes closed. She wants to draw him properly. She wants to appreciate his beauty. Look at the stars on his skin. Hear his steady breathing. Kiss the tip of his nose. See him smile because she touched him with her lips.

None of those things happen.

 

Bellamy and his sister stay in the orphanage and Bellamy keeps writing poems about the best friend he lost. He doesn't know how to stop. The tone of the poems changes from joyful to angry and from angry to heartbroken. Bellamy writes and reads and nowadays he's got more books accompanying _Dreams And Dragons_ beneath his bed. But he doesn't touch that book anymore, no. He avoids it like the plague.

 

***

 

It's Friday and Clarke is spending her evening in the library. She went there to study but chose to read _Dreams And Dragons_ instead. The week has been extremely stressful and her eyes feel heavy. She's so tired...

Clarke wakes up with a start when her book falls to the floor with a loud BANG. She rubs her eyes and quickly remembers where she is.

 _Maybe I should go back to my apartment, I can always study later_ , she thinks. _I really need some coffee right now._ _A_ **_lot_** _of coffee_.

Just as she's about to pick _Dreams and Dragons_ up, a man walks by, sees her book on the floor and comes to pick it up for her. Clarke smiles at him, a little sleepily. Before the stranger gets to pass the book back into Clarke's waiting hands, he freezes. He stares at the book, his eyes look upset.

The moment lasts awkwardly long. Clarke clears her throat.

”Hi”, she begins. ”Thank you for picking it up for me.”

The man still doesn't give the book back to her. ” _Dreams And Dragons_ , huh? Interesting.”

”Yeah, I guess.” Clarke shrugs. She's well aware the story is intended for children.

The man eyes the book and Clarke studies his dark freckles in the meantime. There are so many of them, so many stars. She has to admit, he's one beautiful specimen.

The stranger closes his eyes and exhales loudly. He looks like he's completely lost in his own thoughts. Staring at the man's freckles reminds Clarke of all those times she tried to draw her childhood best friend but could never get him quite right. She thinks about how much she wanted the real him as her model, with his eyes closed.

Clarke's eyes widen. Her breath hitches in her throat. She stares at the man's eyelashes, his dark skin, his curly hair, his soft looking lips and suddenly, she feels like she's about to throw up.

At last, the man shakes his head and hands Clarke her book. She takes it and holds onto it like her life depends on it. She's afraid she's going to lose something important once again.

”Bellamy?” she whispers. Her heart is screaming with happiness and joy, but her mind is telling her to be careful. It is a strange mix of excitement and fear. She's been waiting for this moment for years. ”Is it really you?”

The man frowns. ”Sorry? I don't think I kno–” He stops abruptly and blinks. He stares at her hair for a moment before meeting her eyes. His face turns blue. He looks like he's just seen a ghost.

Clarke feels something pinch her stomach. Maybe she is a ghost to him. A ghost from the past that he never wanted to see again.

”You –, Clarke –, your hair –”, he takes a deep breath to calm his stuttering voice. ”Clarke?”

Clarke's heart is about to burst out of her chest. Her lips don't work.

Bellamy stares at her hair a little more. ”Your hair. You've dyed it. It's... not golden anymore.”

She's surprised her pink hair is his biggest concern after not seeing her in almost 10 years. She waits for him to continue, and slowly the confusion in his eyes does fade. His face turns from blue to red. Bellamy is fuming.

”You still read this book?” he spits the question out like it's poison.

Clarke doesn't think she needs to answer, but Bellamy keeps staring at her like she's an idiot. If finding her with the book is not enough evidence to tell him that yes, she does still in fact enjoy her favourite book from time to time, then Bellamy Blake has turned out to be a lot dumber than she would have ever expected.

”Yes”, she replies, her own anger rising. ”What about it?”

Bellamy's eyes narrow. ”Maybe you shouldn't anymore.”

Clarke looks him straight in the eye and tries to find something. She's desperate to find love in his big eyes. All she sees is irritation. She doesn't know this Bellamy at all and it hits her hard. Clarke stares at her ex-best friend with her mouth open. Only one question echoes in her mind: _why?_

All of a sudden Bellamy storms away.

Clarke gets up instantly and runs after him. ”Bellamy!”

Some people in the library give her dirty looks. She doesn't care. This is not how it's supposed to go.

”Wait!”

He doesn't slow down until Clarke grabs his shirt and forces him to face her. Annoyed, he rolls his eyes at her.

In reality, Bellamy's head is full of questions and he needs answers. Answers that only Clarke can give him. _How could you leave us like that? Did you not care about me at all? Did you ever miss me because I've missed you every day since you were adopted._ But he doesn't feel like being soft right now.

Bellamy always thought that if they ever met again, he would not be able to recognize her. After all, the girl who left him ten years ago was already a complete stranger to him. The Clarke Bellamy had thought he knew would have never left. The Clarke in front of him should look different but for some odd reason she doesn't. Apart from her pink hair, she still gives him the same feeling. Apparently Clarke stayed the same while he changed.

”I think we started off on the wrong foot”, he hears her say but her voice feels distant. Her lips move again. This time he can't hear a word.

”What do you want me to say, Clarke?” he asks, clearly pissed. His ears are ringing.

”I don't know”, she answers truthfully, shoulders slumping. ”Nothing if you don't want to. I can be the one who talks.”

Bellamy sighs dramatically. Do they even _have_ to talk?

”Can I... Can I ask you why you're here?” Clarke asks calmly.

Bellamy doesn't answer, doesn't even look at her. He owes her nothing. He tries his best to ignore the hurt in Clarke's eyes but in the end it proves to be too hard.

Bellamy Blake isn't a person who stops loving, ever. Once he loves someone he will love them until the end of time. He loves them even after they leave him, even after they hurt him. He just cares, he always cares. His heart is big and full of love, it's constantly bleeding. And he can't stand seeing his old friend sad.

”Uh... Fine.” Bellamy rubs the back of his neck. ”How have you been? What is Clarke the Dragon doing these days?”

Bellamy regrets calling her dragon the moment the word leaves his mouth. He wants to slap himself. The awkwardness levels in the room are extremely high.

Clarke doesn't laugh. ”It's Clarke _Griffin_ nowadays.”

”Right.” Bellamy knows his ears are bright red. ”So, uh, how are your parents?”

” _Parent_ ”, she corrects and bites her lip. ”She's fine, thank you for asking.”

Bellamy's eyes widen. He tries to clear his throat, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. This is not going well.

Clarke turns her gaze away. Bellamy knows she recognized the shock in his eyes. Shock and pity.

”Oh”, he mutters apologetically. ”Oh. I'm sorry.”

”How's... how's Octavia?” Clarke asks, eager to change the subject.

It's her turn to watch as Bellamy visibly tenses, the colour draining from his face. He clenches his jaw and Clarke expects the worst. After she left, the Blakes must have been separated and have not seen each other since. Her childhood best friends have been miserable for years and she didn't even bother to call them, not even once.

It seems like this conversation only consists of unintentional traumatic questions.

”It was hard, but”, Bellamy swallows, ”I got custody of her when I turned 18 and was kicked out of the orphanage. Life wasn't easy but at least we were together.”

Clarke isn't dumb. She knows the last words were meant to make her feel guilty for abandoning the siblings, but she can't help but sigh in relief now that she knows no one tore the Blakes apart.

”She ran away last year. After she turned 18.”

Clarke freezes.

”Haven't seen her since.” Bellamy lets out a quiet, bitter laugh that's filled with sadness. ”To answer your earlier question, I'm here trying to find Octavia. Which is useless, of course. I won't find her if she doesn't want to be found.”

Clarke stares at the floor. She feels like she needs some time alone. She needs silence.

But Bellamy keeps going. ”Anyway, now I want you to answer my question. What are you doing these days?” he asks casually, like he didn't just tell her that he has lost the most important person in his life.

”I... I'm studying to become a doctor.” Her voice is small, almost unsure. ”My parents, they both, um... It's their dream that I become a doctor one day.”

Bellamy raises an eyebrow. ”Their dream? What do you want to do then really?”

Clarke shrugs. ”Draw. Paint. Travel. See the world as it truly is. I know there's beauty in the daily, in the ugly, in the dull colours of this planet, and I want to paint it all.”

Bellamy takes a look at her Burberry coat and Louis Vuitton bag. He nods. ”What's stopping you? Do it”, he encourages but with a dry voice. ”Seems like you've got the money that is needed to travel around.”

”I can't.”

”Why not?”

”It's not that simple”, Clarke mutters, avoiding his eyes. ”I... I don't want to disappoint my mum. Or my dad. I promised him I would become a doctor. Besides, no one can just quit everything and leave. It doesn't work like that.”

Bellamy huffs. ”Well, you left me quite easily.”

Clarke whole body flinches immediately.

Her biological parents dumped her in an orphanage when she was just an infant. Her new father was taken away from her way too early. Clarke knows exactly what it feels like being left behind and it's no fun. The bitterness in Bellamy's voice, the heartache in his words... she can feel all of it. She hurt his feelings, Clarke knows that, too. Maybe apologies won't work anymore. Their friendship is rotten.

Bellamy exhales and wakes Clarke from her thoughts. ”I think I should go. Goodbye, Clarke.”

Clarke feels her world shattering. Bellamy is not happy and neither is she. She wonders if it's even possible for them to be truly happy without each other. She prays that at least Octavia is happy, wherever she is.

”Yeah, okay, take... take care.”

She watches Bellamy leave. The world around her truly feels dim all of a sudden. There are no more colours, no beauty, no ugliness. Everything is just gray and Clarke doesn't think she will ever paint again.

In the end, dreams are made to be crushed.

She turns around, slowly. Her legs are heavy, her heart exhausted. A small voice in her head cries that she will never see Bellamy Blake again. The voice begs her not to let him go.

 _I'll be fine_ , she tells herself. _I'm going to become a doctor, I'll make my mum proud and I'll be happy._

She believes her words. She believes it's possible for her life to turn out alright. It's just that she would have much rather done everything with Bellamy Blake by her side.

Guess it's just too late.

Suddenly, Clarke notices a small wrinkled piece of paper lying on the floor. It must have fallen out of Bellamy's pocket or something. Cautiously, she picks it up and opens it.

A poem.

Clarke's heart is thundering in her chest. Bellamy Blake still writes poetry.

She looks up. Bellamy has already disappeared from sight. It's wrong to read something so personal without the creator's permission but she can't help it.

 

_She likes stars,_

_but not the ones I stole._

_She draws dreams,_

_but not me._

_You ask me to fall in love,_

_I can't._

_I already am._

_You call me a stargazer,_

_but you don't know what that really means._

_She could paint roadmaps on my skin,_

_a map that leads_

_not to you_

_but to_

_Clarke._

 

Clarke gasps. Her eyes threaten to fall out of her head. The whole world seems to be shaking. Clarke feels dizzy as she moves her eyes to the date written in the right corner.

The poem was written last week.

Clarke starts running. ”No, wait! _Bellamy_!”

She knows her life has been easier. She knows Bellamy is angry, but she won't be able to live with herself if she lets him go. This is her last chance.

Clarke finally catches him just outside of the library. Bellamy instantly shoots her a glare when he hears her call his name. It's obvious that he's screaming for her to leave him alone. Clarke decides to ignore the accusing look in his eyes.

”Run away with me”, she blurts.

Bellamy's angry glare vanishes. He almost stumbles.

”Excuse me?” He blinks.

”Run away with me, Bellamy. Let's start over together. I know it sounds crazy but...” she shows him the poem she was hiding behind her back. With wide eyes, Bellamy rips the piece of paper from her hands immediately.

”How'd you get this?” he asks, angry. ”How on earth did you... Wait.” His hand flies to his pocket. Clarke watches Bellamy swallow visibly when he realizes he dropped the poem on accident.

”Did you... Did you read it?”

Clarke nods.

Bellamy bites his lip, looks unsure. ”You left us, Clarke. You have no right to just ask something like that”, he says through gritted teeth, but his eyes are sad and soft. Clarke reads it as a good sign.

She takes a deep breath. ”You might not believe this but I did it for you so that one –”

”Yeah, right, don't be ridiculous.”

”– day I could buy you that bookshelf you so badly wanted. I did it so we could get millions of books, so that I could buy you notebooks and pencils every day. I wanted to guarantee you and Octavia had a home. It's not a lie when I say I still want to live with you, Bellamy.”

Bellamy says nothing, just studies her with suspicion in his eyes.

”I-I want to spend my days watching your peaceful face when you write your poems. A-and I love –”

”Clarke, stop it”, Bellamy sternly interrupts her.

”No, let me finish.” She knows she sounds desperate. She is.

”Bellamy, I'm sorry. I just... I was _13_. All I wanted was to be a dragon that took care of her dreams.”

Bellamy looks at her with his mouth open. Clarke knows she shouldn't have said that.

”Are you fucking kidding me, Clarke?” he yells. ”That's fiction! We were real, I _am_ real!”

”Bellamy –”

”But yeah, whatever, you did what you had to do. I get it. You left so that you could have lasting relationships, a better life, a future. You got what every orphan dreams of. A home, parents, money... I mean, who could refuse an offer like that?”

 _You did_ , Clarke answers herself. _You and Octavia_.

She keeps her mouth shut because she knows he's right. Bellamy doesn't continue either. A few minutes pass in silence. Clarke isn't sure if she even wants to know what is going on inside his head right now.

”I didn't...” Bellamy starts muttering but stops after two words. Neither can look the other in the eyes. The uncomfortable feeling is impossible to just shrug off.

”I didn't need... I didn't _want_ some fairytale dragon”, Bellamy finally finishes. ”I... I just wanted...”

He doesn't have to say anything else. Clarke knows.

”Run away with me”, she tries again, softer this time, her eyes pleading.

”Weren't you going to become a doctor?”

”Yeah, well, I'd rather just paint all day.”

”What about your mum?”

”Between disappointing her and being with you, I choose you. I mean, if that's okay with you.”

Frustrated, Bellamy runs his fingers through his hair. Clarke's drawings really don't do his curls justice. ”Clarke, I... I don't know.”

”You are... you are all I can paint, Bellamy...” Clarke whispers and hangs her head. She doesn't know what else to say, what else to do to make him believe that she's serious about this.

Clarke feels defeated. She would want to cry but it's not that simple. She can't, she never cries.

”What is the dragon without her dreams? What am I without you?” her voice still manages to break.

Something changes in Bellamy's eyes and this time his answer is immediate, ”The dreams don't exist without the dragon either.”

Raising her head, Clarke's mind starts racing. It takes her a while before she understands that those words really did come from Bellamy's mouth.

”This might sound strange, but”, Bellamy mumbles, his ears starting to look a bit red, ”when I look at you, for some reason, all I want to do is take your hand, run towards tomorrow and – I don't know – kick ass or whatever. There's something inside me that is still convinced a future with you would be... a happy one.”

Clarke remembers the feeling she had when she was eight and first met Bellamy. The thirst to go on an adventure with him.

A wide smile spreads across her lips. Their story would still make a great book, she believes. ”Maybe it should sound odd but it doesn't. I totally understand what you mean.”

Bellamy just nods. Then he looks down at the book in her hands.

Small and golden. It's the original version of the book, the dragon has its mouth open and its tail is full of spikes.

”I haven't touched that book since you left”, he admits, voice shaking a little. ”I just couldn't do it.”

Clarke's eyes are gentle when she touches his arm lightly. She offers him _Dreams And Dragons_. Bellamy's eyes well up with tears. Biting his bottom lip, he nods again. He takes the book.

Clarke's smile reaches her ears. She already knows that once she gets home, she'll fill all of her sketchbooks with doodles of this moment. She'll draw the transparent tears on Bellamy's cheeks, paint both her relief and her fear that she felt when she saw his constellations again after 10 years. She's going to make a huge painting using only gold and warm brown.

She hopes Bellamy will write millions of poems about this moment, too. She wants him to write about the second his strong hands first touch her back, about the way he feels when her hair tickles his mouth, when she whispers in his ear.

When their lips finally meet for the first time, she hopes the whole world will one day write stories about the extraordinary tenderness and forgiveness of their connection.

Her thoughts are so cheesy she has to frown against Bellamy's lips. Bellamy just beams.

 

***

 

The first thing Clarke sees when she wakes up is Bellamy's peaceful face. His eyes are closed, his mouth open just a tiny bit. It seems like there are more stars on his shoulders than there were yesterday. Clarke has read many books in her life but Bellamy's freckles form the most beautiful words she has ever seen.

What a masterpiece.

Clarke tries to hold back her laughter as she moves to grab her golden polaroid camera in order to capture the beautiful moment. The camera is a gift from Bellamy, he gave it to her after they had finally settled down in the quiet countryside. Naturally, Bellamy's bookshelf is sitting in the living room filled with limited editions of _Dreams And Dragons_.

It's all quite crazy. They live near a lake, and their neighbour Nate and his husband Bryan even own a chicken farm. Who knows what Bellamy thought, but at least Clarke never imagined she'd be living next to a freaking chicken farm.

She loves it.

A small _click_ and the photo is taken.

Bellamy starts murmuring. ”Stop. Taking. Pictures.”

”Good morning”, Clarke greets him softly. ”I'm just showing you how much I appreciate your gift. It would be rude not to use it.”

”Yeah, yeah, yeah...” Bellamy turns to face the wall. He's asleep in seconds. His chest moves rhythmically under the blanket and his mouth opens again. The sight is just as pleasing as it was a few minutes ago so Clarke walks to the other side of the room and decides to take another picture.

She watches him close his mouth and scowl after another click-sound interrupts his dream.

”Clarke, please...”

She looks at him for a moment, admiring his freckles. Memories come flooding back.

Clarke hesitates. ”Hey... Do you remember when I tried to identify your constellations but never succeeded?”

”Mmm... Constellations as in my freckles?” Bellamy mumbles sleepily. ”Yeah.”

”I realized I couldn't recognize them because they do not exist in the sky.”

Bellamy laughs, his voice hoarse. ”No shit.”

”No, listen. That means your constellations are new and unknown and we need to name them.”

Slowly, Bellamy opens his eyes and gets up, a frown crossing his face. ”Don't tell me you want to name my freckles _Clarke_ or something. Or even worse... _Dragon_.”

Clarke rolls her eyes but her voice is soft. ”How does... _Octavia_ sound?”

Bellamy's body goes stiff immediately.

Clarke knows it hurts. He has spend many nights in her arms crying about his sister. He can't sleep at night because he's so worried about her. Clarke has lost count how many times she has heard the words 'I lost her, Clarke, I lost her'. Every week, he asks questions like 'does she eat well', 'is she happy' or 'has she found a new family' without expecting an answer.

Not a single word from Octavia in two years. Bellamy will never give up, but it's painful.

”It sounds...” Bellamy's voice is nothing but a whisper. ”Hopeful.”

A warm smile spreads across Clarke's face. ”What a strange galaxy you are.”

A moment passes. Both of them are quiet. Bellamy thinks about his sister, Clarke thinks about poetry.

”I'm glad the poem fell out of your pocket that day”, Clarke breaks the silence. ”I'm truly grateful.”

”I know right, now you can annoy me 24 hours a day.”

”No, I'm serious”, she says but laughs.

”Ah”, Bellamy shrugs but nods after a moment. ”Wanna read some of them? The other poems I've written about you, I mean.”

Clarke's laugh stops.

”Really?” Bellamy can hear how surprised she is. ”Are... are you sure you want me to see them? You never let me read them. Not after I was adopted anyway...”

Bellamy smirks and hands her a black, plastic box that he keeps under their bed. Clarke stares at the box, then Bellamy, then the box again. She's too scared to open it. Bellamy lets out an amused laugh when she bites her lip.

”I promise it's not that bad.”

Clarke shoots him a glare, takes a deep breath and opens the box. Her eyes almost pop out of her head. There are at least two hundred small pieces of paper inside. Each one of them is a small handwritten part of Bellamy.

Now she's terrified.

”Those are all poems of you”, Bellamy confirms at the same time as Clarke's face turns white. ”All of them. I've never thrown away a single one, not even the ones I hated. Inside, there's the first poem I ever wrote about you, I was 10 back then. The box also contains the poem I wrote about you four days ago.”

Clarke doesn't know what to say. She knows he writes poems about her, occasionally, she had thought. She never knew there were this many.

Hand shaking, Clarke picks three poems randomly. She reads the first one.

 

_RAPUNZEL_

_She shines_

_like the rays of the sun._

_Her hair of gold_

_lights me up._

_She's the princess,_

_I'm trapped in this tower with her._

 

_I wonder if she still shines_

_like the rays of the sun._

_Her hair of gold_

_doesn't heal me anymore._

_She's the fucking princess,_

_why am I the only one trapped in this tower?_

 

Clarke grimaces.

The date reveals that Bellamy wrote the poem a little after she left the orphanage. Makes sense. It does sound like the work of a disappointed 15-year-old.

Clarke can feel the hurt behind his words but calling her 'the fucking princess' makes her want to smash something with her bare hands. However, since the poem was written about 10 years ago, she decides it's better to move on without breaking anything.

She hands the princess poem back and reads the next one.

 

_ONE FRECKLE_

_It's ok_

_to lie and say_

_it's ok._

_My freckles remind me_

_I've lost_

_and lost, lost, lost._

_My freckles are angry dots_

_made by the cruel sun._

_The sun has bitten me_

_too many times._

_Too many times_

_my heart fell._

_Too many times_

_she could have done that_

_but didn't,_

_doesn't._

_It may be harsh_

_but at least the sun loves me._

_Guess I'm still a masterpiece._

_A broken kind of_

_masterpiece._

 

The room is silent as Bellamy eagerly waits for Clarke's reaction.

”Did I...” Clarke starts slowly. ”Did I cause this one, too?”

She knows she did but wishes it wasn't true. Hearing Bellamy call himself broken truly hurts. Hearing that he thinks he only deserves to be loved in a cruel and spiteful way is horrible. She wasn't there and he had to mend his heart alone.

For the first time, Clarke realizes how lonely they both were while growing up. How alone they were when they learnt to tolerate pain.

Bellamy leans closer to see which poem she's talking about. His face quickly pales.

”Oh.” He turns his gaze away. ”That poem... Clarke, listen, usually I spend days on my poems, but sometimes... I just need to get my feelings out. Quickly. That's one of the quick ones. Don't think about it too much.”

The silence is not uncomfortable, just sad. In that moment Bellamy considers burning the small piece of paper in Clarke's hand, but decides against it. He has vowed to himself that he will never throw any of his Clarke-poems away. Besides, him burning _One freckle_ would not improve the atmosphere anyway.

Bellamy clears his throat. ”Sorry you had to see that one. Please just... read another one”, he pleads.

Clarke nods warily. Holding her breath, she reads the last one.

 

_SOULMATE_

_Stars stuck in her hair,_

_lungs and eyes_

_that's how she rules the skies._

_How can she fly_

_when I clearly see_

_she doesn't have any wings?_

_Another universe swallowed,_

_I_

_didn't stand a chance._

 

_Can you wish_

_on this kind of shooting star?_

_Passing fireworks._

_I'm starting to believe._

_She's the one_

_who will ruin me._

_Ruin_

_and still I'll say_

_thank you._

 

Written four days ago.

Clarke is still holding her breath when she gets to the last line of the poem. Her eyes start to water, an unfamiliar feeling fills her.

Suddenly she hears a soft _click_ followed by _churr_. Clarke's head jerks up, her eyes teary. Bellamy is holding her yellow camera in his left hand and a tiny new photo in his right. He's smirking like the little shit he knows he is.

Clarke's head is spinning.

”What?” Bellamy's voice is playful. ”My poems wouldn't be able to describe this fragile moment well enough. I had to take a picture.”

”You're right they wouldn't because these... these suck”, she whispers, voice trembling as she looks back at the poem. She lets her pink hair fall and cover her face. ”But you suck even more.”

She hears Bellamy chuckle. ”I know”, he says and kisses the top of her head.

Clarke pushes him away. ”Don't kiss me, you idiot”, she says and sniffs. ”Find me some pen and paper.”

Bellamy looks at her, confused. Clarke repeats her request and eventually Bellamy hands her what she needs, still baffled.

”Here you go, dragon.”

Clarke wipes her almost unnoticeable tears and starts writing. She writes furiously for about 3 minutes before giving the paper back to Bellamy. He still looks puzzled.

”For you”, she says. ”Sorry if it sucks.”

Bellamy raises an eyebrow before looking at the paper.

It's a poem.

 

_Share a secret,_

_share a secret._

_Once in a lifetime I will meet someone,_

_it's clear that the two of us were made to find each other._

_I will understand their heart without words, they will look after my burning blood._

_My heart will be thunder when they're around. I hope theirs will be, too._

_Is it fate? Is it luck? Probably neither._

_Share a secret._

_I know this someone exists,_

_I've already_

_met him._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Am I the only one who loves the idea of poet!Bellamy?? I am? K.  
> but lmao I know nothing about poetry so I apologize if my poems were cringe worthy.
> 
> (This story was heavily inspired by another fic I read a few months ago, from a different fandom. I'll post a link when I find that fic again.)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading :) I highly appreciate feedback and you are more than welcome to point out spelling and grammatical errors!


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